Why The Mummy (2017) Sucks – Review with Spoilers


Last weekend, we went to see the newest reboot of The Mummy, starring Tom Cruise. The trailer looked exciting, and I love the theme song, The Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black“. I love the song, so I thought the movie would be just as cool.

I didn’t really have very high expectations, but I didn’t expect it to be that unlikable.


Tom Cruise’s character is just not very likable.

First of all, Tom Cruise’s character was kind of an asshole. Not even a likable dufus like Brendan Frasier or a comic rascal like John Hannah. From the get go, Tom Cruise’s character was very unlikable – he wasn’t fun and he wasn’t charming.

The guy steals archaeological artifacts because he wants to sell them, and he doesn’t care who gets hurt as long as he finds a way to steal it. Not even his “redemption” in the end makes him any more likable. Sorry, I just can’t see this “good man inside him” the love interest actress keeps talking about. Just not feelin’ it.

The whole movie is a series of idiotic decisions used to move the plot forward.

Tom Cruise’s character is also an idiot. The map clearly says Haram. Even I know what “haram” means. It means “forbidden”. He was supposed to have been stationed in Iraq for some time, he should know better than to forcefully try to unearth something clearly labeled as “haram”.

Ok, now that he has unearthed the tomb, they see all the signs that this is not a regular tomb. All the signs show that there is something the ancients want to keep imprisoned. But again, Tom Cruise’s character has to be an asshole – he ignores all the warnings and just decides to destroy a chain and release the sarcophagus. Who was he to be making such decisions, anyway? Without even waiting to figure out first if it was the right thing to do. He did it not because he was curious, no, he did it because he wanted to get the thing out and find a way to get paid.

Tom Cruise’s character starts to get visions of the mummy girl but he doesn’t tell anybody. I mean, seriously? Aren’t the visions even freaking him out a little bit? You bring out something the ancients want imprisoned, start to get visions, and still don’t freak out? I have no words. That’s horror movie 101. It’s like this guy has never seen a horror movie in his life, ever.

Next, the idiots fly the sarcophagus back to wherever. Why would you f****in do that? Also, as archaeologists go, the woman kind of sucks, too. Did she even take pictures of the tomb before they hauled the sarcophagus out? Isn’t she supposed to do some sort of CSI thing to document the tomb and the hieroglyphic writing? Didn’t she even try to fully understand what they said before transporting the potentially dangerous sarcophagus anywhere?


That whole taking the coffin on the plane + plane crash + landing in a swamp + morgue scene + killing people near the crash site is a total rip-off of Dracula 2000.

While I was watching that scene, I kept thinking, I’ve seen this movie before!!! A little digging into my memories, and voila, I realized I had seen the exact same scenario before, but with a vampire instead of a mummy. But kind of the same deal – monster consumes poor humans near the crash.

At least Dracula 2000 was more entertaining in a B-movie sort of way – it had Christopher Plummer (The Sound of Music), Gerard Butler (300, Olympus & London Has Fallen movies), Jonny Lee Miller (Elementary), Jeri Ryan (7 of 9) and Nathan Fillion (Castle). It’s fun to watch some of your favorite actors in movies before they were famous.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

I’m also really not feeling the whole Dark Universe thing. If this movie is any indication, I’m not watching any more future Dark Universe movies unless they turn out something good, like what Wonder Woman did for the DC movie universe; because almost all of the DC movies before Wonder Woman were bad, except the Nolan Batmans which were not so bad. DC set the bar so low for their movies that a merely above average movie like Wonder Woman felt awesome in comparison.

Dark Universe is what Universal is calling their franchise – they plan to make more movies featuring their iconic monsters like Frankenstein, Bride of Frankenstein, The Invisible Man, Creature from the Black Lagoon, etc…

Also, Tom Cruise’s character was being an idiot again, taking Dr. Jekyll’s medicine from him, which made Dr. Jekyll turn into Mr. Hyde. Hasn’t Tom Cruise’s character ever heard of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Did not 1 + 1 = 2 in his mind? What?

Such an obvious set up for the next Dark Universe movies, again, set in motion by Tom Cruise’s idiot character, whatshisname.

Can’t see beyond the actors

While I liked that guy Nick from New Girl, in this movie, he’s all I see. It’s the same tone, the same delivery, the same acting, from actor Jake Johnson. I feel like I’m watching Nick from New Girl whining all the time at Tom Cruise.

When I see Tom Cruise’s character, I don’t see Tom Cruise’s character. I see Tom Cruise. Have I seen him in too many movies that I no longer see his character but see him, Tom Cruise, instead? All his movie characters are starting to blend together. Or he’s not putting any more effort into making his characters different and having more dimension. All his movie characters lately just look like Tom Cruise doing stunts.

The movie is just not fun.

If there was supposed to be any comic relief in this movie, it was a total bust. And they totally wasted mummy girl! She’s an athletic girl and can do acrobatic fight scenes, as we can see from her role in The Kingsman. The few fights she had in this movie were boring, mostly sparring with dudes whose faces we can’t even see.

If you were going to reboot The Mummy then at least do something as cool as the Anck Su Namun vs. Nefertiri fight scene.

The mummy wasn’t even cool. Is she supposed to be scary? She’s just boring and walks in the desert a lot. Her motivations are lame. Sometimes she reminds me of Enchantress (Suicide Squad)…

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